Feeling privledged

As I was writing my post for today I came across a blog post I wrote before spring break that I never actually uploaded to my blog . It apparently was hiding in the folder of blogs I have written this semester. So I am posting it now along with the next post that I actually wrote for today. I think it is very important to document how I was feeling in the moment. So enjoy a double post day!

Written: March 26, 2010

I want everyone to take a moment and consider my next sentences. What does privilege mean to you? What is privilege? I might not be able to answer either of these questions with the right answers, but I do know that I do not like the feel at all. I cant be too judgmental because I am sitting in the airport typing this out on my laptop computer, but non the less I am still having a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, and am still feeling majorly out of place. Consider that I was in Cuernavaca getting ready to go to see my family in Puerto Vallarta at 1pm. Then I got on a bus at 2pm and traveled to Mexico City, which is huge and in my mind is what I think of when I say the word Mexico. I am use to seeing the scenes that I saw on my way into the city and then as we proceeded to the airport. I have lived in Mexico for almost 3 months now. The landscape of Mexico City and Cuernavaca are both beautiful. It make me love living here in Mexico because it is colorful and is just Mexico.

Now, I have been preparing myself to go into shock when I go to the resort later today, but I did not think that I would go into a weird state of shock at the airport. I have been in an airport more times then I can count, and I thought I would be fine. Think again. I walked into the airport, it is clean, and very American looking. Normally I would think it was very pretty and one of my favorite airports/terminals at first look, bit this time it made me feel very uncomfortable. But I went forward, and I spoke Spanish to the people outside and at check in . Then I went through security and got to the other side, and I just stood in one place for a good 5 minutes because I felt like I was in JFK, Dallas, Houston, Newark or any other large airport. I did not feel like I was in Mexico. There is more English around me then I have heard in 3 months. I got my Starbucks coffee then sat down with this weird feeling in my stomach. The only think I could think about was being in Cuernavaca and how amazing it is and how much I miss it .Yes, I am glad to be going someplace on spring break, and yes I needed a break. And most of all I need to clear my head of some things that have been bothering me. But most of all I did not feel like I belonged in the airport. I felt like an outsider. I could not place the feeling I was having. Then it dawn on me like I was hit with a ton of bricks that I felt privileged because here I am in the airport , flying on a plane , and going to a resort to visit my family. Most Mexicans can not afford to get on an airplane and travel someplace for Spring break. The ones that can are the higher class and the privileged. I never have felt this type of privilege before. Sure I travel to see my grandma twice a year, and I am lucky enough to be able to have been to some amazing places. Thanks Mom and Dad. But sitting on the carpet (which I have not seen in 3 months) and watching people go by, I feel completely out of place. I have not seen so many Americans, or English speakers in a long long time. There are so many people switching planes here to go on their High school or College spring break at one of the resorts on the beach in Mexico. To tell everyone the truth, I hate it and that might be a part of my uncomfortableness . All these people going on their spring breaks are just rubbing me the wrong way. I am proud to say I am an American/ United Statesian, but the American culture as a whole is pushy and just plain annoying when they are in large groups. For someone who is not use to Americans all around them (besides the people in my program), I can truly say I partly understand why other countries hate us. We are loud, obnoxious, and pushy. But here I am in the airport, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am in the middle of being in a state of large shock all because of an airport, and am trying to deal with the feelings of major privilege that are making me feel so uncomfortable. I did not picture that a simple thing as the airport would make me feel so uncomfortable or like I didn’t belong.